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Accounts, Be American, Cayman Islands, china, Hawaii, John Sununu, Mitt Romney, Offshore, outsourcing, President Obama, satire, Stoner, Switzerland
America’s Poor (Photo credit: Mubina H)
You too can “Learn to be an American” just like Mitt Romney! Just follow these simple steps!
1) Hide all of your income in countries like Switzerland and the Cayman Islands to avoid paying taxes.
2) Instead of hiring American workers, ship all of your jobs to China, Burma, India, and Mexico and reap huge profits by charging consumers the price for American labor.
3) Change your positions every three minutes or when politically convenient.
4) Be sure to praise your accomplishments without letting anyone actually look at what you’ve done.
5) Apply the term “retroactively” to anything to avoid liability. “Bob, I retroactively borrowed your car yesterday instead of today, therefore, this speeding ticket is yours.”
6) Avoid anyone who is different from you, at all costs. Don’t ever allow people of different races, genders, ages, or economic levels to be seen with you. It’ll ruin your “street cred”. Wall Street cred that is.
7) No matter what, everything that goes wrong in your life is not your fault. It’s the fault of the Europeans, the socialists, the Liberals, the Chinese, and the immigrants. Never your own fault.
Follow these easy steps and you too can learn to be a real American, just like Mitt Romney.
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Related articles
- Romney Campaign: Obama Can’t Create Jobs ‘Because He Spent His Early Years In Hawaii Smoking Something’ (thinkprogress.org)
- Quote of the Day: Obama Not American Enough for John Sununu (motherjones.com)
- Romney surrogate: Obama should ‘learn how to be an American’ (politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com)
- Romney Surrogate John Sununu Channels Rush Limbaugh (themoderatevoice.com)
- Top Romney surrogate calls Obama a socialist stoner who needs to ‘learn how to be an American’ (dailykos.com)
Double Dip Politics 
I saw the title and got all bothered and excited, ‘cuz I wanted to know to be an American. I was born here and grew up here, have lived within its confines for…well, pushin’ half a century, really. And I never felt like I quite fit in. Must be doin’ something wrong. Hence: the excitement when my eyes landed on your title.
But then I had Big Problems with #1. Hide all my income? I have no “income.” I used to have very modest incomes, but now all the paying jobs seem to have vanished like a thief in the middle of the night. #1 had me vexed. Man, what I wouldn’t give to have some hide-able income. Maybe I’m wearing the wrong underwear? I’ll try anything at this point.
Then, #2 sorta cleared things up for me. Piercingly crystal-clear, smatterfact. Now I know I’m not THAT sort of American.
Thanks for some enlightenment, “Shannon Webster.”
Then you’ll never be American enough for John Sununu and the Mitt Romney campaign, I’m happy to say.
You forgot “own and operate a company you don’t own and operate while getting paid 6 figures to not own and operate it because for the last time I didn’t fucking work there ok!”
No, I left that one for you or for the sequel, whichever came first. You win!
I win I win! Prizes?
Not being a Romney American sounds like a good prize to me.
Fair enough